


Freudian Slippery Slope

by zebaoth



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Chrom!Inigo, Gen, Not What It Looks Like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 10:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10384722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zebaoth/pseuds/zebaoth
Summary: Oh what a tangled web we weave





	

It was a slow day in the Nohrian camp. At the end of the mess hall, three soldiers were taking a late lunch, engrossed in conversation.

“I just don’t get what you see in Lord Xander, is all,” said Odin. “He’s a most formidable commander to be sure, but he’s rather lacking in personality.” 

“Are you kidding?” said Laslow. “He’s the perfect man. He’s strong, he’s disciplined, he’s dutiful – he’s just like my dad, only hotter.”

Suddenly, silence hung over the table as dense as Felicia’s meatloaf.

“That… didn’t come out right,” said Laslow.

“No, I think it did,” said Selena.

Laslow flushed. “Just what are you implying?” he said.

“I’m not implying anything,” said Selena, stirring her soup. “I’m just saying, if you said it, you must have meant it.”

“Hey, there’s no reason to make this weird,” said Odin hastily. “I mean, in his defense, Uncle Chrom is pretty hot.”

Selena narrowed her eyes. “…OK,” she said.

“Hey!” said Odin. “Don’t look at me like that! It’s not like I ever thought… I mean, I’m just stating an objective fact, is all!”

“…I believe you,” said Selena.

“Stop doing that!” said Odin.

“…Doing what?” said Selena.

“That! What you just did!” said Odin.

“…I didn’t do anything,” said Selena.

“Yes you did! You did it again!” said Odin.

“…I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Selena.

“You _know_ what I’m talking about! You’re twisting my words in your condemnatory snare! Making me feel weird about the things that I say!”

“Well maybe you wouldn’t feel weird about what you said if you didn’t say weird things,” said Selena. 

“Both of you, enough!” said Laslow. “This is never going to get anywhere at this rate. There’s only one way to settle this.” 

\--- 

Niles regarded them each in turn with suspicion. After 30 seconds or so of anticipatory silence, he finally spoke. 

“Why the hell are you asking _me_ this?” he said. 

“Because you’re smart about these things,” said Laslow. 

“We’re in need of your unique brand of wisdom,” said Odin. 

Niles rubbed his temples.

He turned to Laslow. “Look, kid-” he began, but Laslow cut him off. 

“Hey, I’m not a kid!” he said, defiantly putting his hands on his hips. “I’m 22 and a half!” 

“Plus aren’t you only like, 5 years older than us?” said Selena. 

“Look, do you want my opinion or not?” said Niles. 

“I’m sorry,” said Laslow. “We’ll be good. Won’t we?” 

“Odin Dark is a servant of the shadows, but for now he will be good.” 

“Whatever,” said Selena. 

“Fine,” said Niles. “Do that. Now listen: it’s not in my job description to coddle your weird sexual hangups, and frankly, I have better things to do with my time. But out of respect for the fact that all of you serve my liege’s family, I’ll help you out, OK?” 

“We are most grateful,” said Odin. 

Niles pointed lazily at Odin. “You,” he said. “It’s not weird to be able to admit that objectively, your uncle is hot, which, from what I understand, he is.” 

Next, he pointed to Laslow. “You,” he said. “It’s not weird to recognize admirable qualities in your father, and in turn, recognize that those same admirable qualities would be desirable to find in a potential mate. Again, not weird, very common.” 

Finally, he pointed to Selena. _“You,”_ he said. “I know somehow, you put them up to this. It’s not nice to go after the low hanging fruit. These guys are imbeciles.”

Selena shrugged. “Fair enough,” she said. 

“I know I should be insulted,” said Laslow, “but I don’t think I’m really in a position to argue, at this point.” Odin nodded sheepishly in agreement. 

“Is that good?” said Niles. “Are we all good?” 

“I think so,” said Laslow. “Odin?” 

“The dark gods have been satisfied,” said Odin. 

“Great,” said Niles. With a flick of his wrist, he shooed them away. “Now get out of my sight.” 

On cue, the trio ran off obediently back to the mess hall. “Thanks, Niles!” Odin called back. “You’re the best!” 

Niles sighed and shook his head. “The things we do for love,” he said. 

**Author's Note:**

> if laslow and odin were mordecai and rigby, niles would be like their skips
> 
> edit: olivia is really close friends with chrom and mrobin and she was their surrogate cause chrobin is canon, bitch! they're gay bitch!!! inigo has two dads and one mom!!!!!


End file.
